When I started this, I started it as a tool to deal with some things in my life, a way of making sense of all I have become. For entertainment purposes. As with most in my life, I strayed. I had the hankering to post an end of the year thing, but it didn't work out. Instead, I'm going to give you this, a confession of sorts to all of my friends and family so they can get some questions answered. This isn't attention seeking, a pity party invite, or anything. Its me airing some personal business, mainly in an attempt to answer some questions and try to put some minds at ease. This is not easy for me at all, not sure why I'm doing it.
Some of you have seen through all the cryptic and questionable things I've put on facebook. I've made some attempts at positivity by posting quotes, mainly in an effort to not air my woes via a silly facebook status. In all truth friends, I've fallen into a very deep and dark depression. I will spare you the details and reasons for it, but its real. And its dark. And its scary. I have been pushed to the unthinkable, putting the ones I love the most through hell. Let me be clear, my problems are just that, my problems. They are ones I've created through two decades of hard living and poor choices. Just over a year ago, it became apparent that my drinking was officially over the edge. I was left with the choice to leave that life behind or lose the woman I had so quickly and easily fell in love with. I did it. I wasn't perfect, but I did it. I stumbled a few times along the way, don't think I didn't. But one thing I learned from not being drunk five days a week, you have to re-learn how to live and deal with all of lifes little things. In all reality, this was the hard part, because I did not learn this well. Instead of having a good drunk to mask and hide all the shit that plagued me, I had to face some things. This caused a lot of havoc for me, particularly in my relationship with the woman who stole my heart. As the story goes, it just became too much, and occasionally I'd allow myself a few drinks too many. Well, to put it lightly, the fact I'm out of the drinking shape I once was in, did not help. Thus leading the liquor to bring out the worst in me, compounding everything I was going through, making all of my problems even worse. Still, I'd always do my best to rebound as best I could. Then the last couple of months came along. That relationship collapsed, my relationship with my son caved, everything I came into contact with literally seemed to be going to hell. One of these things is enough, but all of which at the same time has become too much to handle. I'm not going to lie folks, I became weak and one sorry son of a bitch. And here I stand.
I'm not asking for any pity or sympathy. I've only been able to discuss this with a few people, never maintaining my composure. I'm not the me I once was. What I'm asking of you is to take a look around at everyone you know. Someone, close to you, if not you, is suffering and dealing with the same shit. Here in a little over a week, we will mourn the two year anniversary of a friend of mine who chose to leave us way to early. He chose too. I can say now, I've walked in his shoes, I've seen what he did. The only difference seems to be the fact that for some odd reason, no matter how horrible i've felt, something has stopped me. Part of it, as I've seen the last few weeks, is an overwhelming amount of support and number of friends and family who have seen right through my bullshit. To them and you, I am truly sorry for what I have become and what I have put you all through. If anything, I do know who I can count on now. This is an extremely stupid way for me to put this out there, but its the best I can do to take a step in the right direction, for me to get better and beat this shit. I'm not going to name any names so much, those of you who read this and have reached out to me, you know who you are. I will NEVER forget this. To my Mom and Dad, I am so unbelievably horrified and sorry I've put you through all I have. That in itself is like a cancer eating away at me. To my brothers and sister, just another case of me fucking up the most, trying to show the path NOT to take in life. Thank you 3 for being you and being there for your brother when he needed you. To my kids, nieces, nephews, cousins, Frank and Charlie, and any other kids out there who I've developed a bond with. Learn from me, be strong and make better choices than I have. To my Michelle. The most sincere of apologies as well as thank yous to the one person who has put up with the most of my shit and still stuck by me. I swear, I've never meant to make this so hard. I do love you with all of my heart and by the grace of god will make up for every bit of this. To my friends, all of you. If I've EVER referred to you as my friend, all that means is that I do love you and I'm very grateful to have you in my life. To the rest of my family I've failed to mention, its great to have you in my corner. Thank you for all you've done.
So in case this has mislead you, this isn't goodbye. This is me clearing my conscience to make room for change and a new way to approach living my life. I just beg of you guys, learn from what I've suffered through and put my loved ones through. If you are reading this, I can guarantee that if you are dealing with the same thing, there is one person for sure who can relate and you CAN talk to. So, in closing, this isn't easy for me, but its easier than facing all of you that mean something to me and trying to explain it. I'm not healed, I'm not better. But I intend to be. Thank you for all of you have brought to my life, every last one of you. What ever it is that you contribute to the world was obviously enough for me to see, appreciate, and admire. It may be the very thing that saved me. For real, I love you mellon farmers....
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