Pride of the Bearcats

Recently, I was reminiscing about my college experience with my sister in law. She noticed, as did I that, I frequently referred to my “Original Freshman Year”. Yes folks, I was so damn special I had two. Not by design of course, but by choice of poor attendance and behaviors. I’ll elaborate.
In August of 93 I enrolled at THE NWMSU in Maryville, Mo. Home of the Bearcats. Most anyone reading this will be very familiar with the scene. While most of my fellow freshman were enrolling in hopes of earning a degree, I can’t recall that even being on my list. I believe it was in ’91, NWMSU topped Playboy’s list as the #1 party school in America. It was an hour from home and I had a lot of friends going there. What better place to go and live my animal house dreams.
From the get go, I should’ve seen how this was going to be a very expensive disaster. I made a lot of friends, drank a lot of beer, and indulged in a lot of other bad habits. I was a typical college kid. Unfortunately the thing that set me apart from my classmates, was my want of attending classes. While initially, I did alright, eventually the burden of waking up, walking, and homework became a cross I didn’t feel like bearing, regretfully so. Sometime, towards the middle of October, I abandoned classes all together. I still can’t tell you what was on my mind or drove me to the decision, but it happened.
So naturally, things began to escalate. The parties were more frequent, the dorms RA’s and campus security seemed to have me on the radar quite a bit, go figure. Then finally, the levee broke.
It started off as innocently as I could’ve possibly been in those days. I lived on the 7th floor of Dietrich Hall, room 701 to be exact. My cousin Shelby had the same room some two years later when they turned it co-ed. She claimed it smelled of urine and vomit, not a surprise. I got along pretty well with most of the guys on my floor, hung out with quite a few of them. Back then, Bearcat football was bad. I’m talking Iowa state bad, no hope, a bunch of drunken criminals running around. There were several football players on my floor, and I had somehow developed a great report with the linebacking corps. About 11 pm on a misty night, I was having beers in a room down on the 6th floor, sitting in the window sill. As I looked out the window, I noticed a vehicle hauling ass down the windy road behind the dorm. I recall stating “what the hell”. As the headlights approached, I recognized the pickup as it belonged to a friend of mine named Phil. Now Phil was a stud linebacker from Texas, and if I had my guess, it would not be that he is a Doctor these days. Hell, he used to cheat off of me in some of the classes we shared back then. A great guy, but those lights weren’t all on .
Anyway, as the truck approached, not only did it become evident he was losing control, but also that there were three large men standing in the bed of it pounding on the roof. I knew this wasn’t going to end well. Immediately, the pickup barreled over a curb, and into a light pole, toppling the light pole and sending the 3 nutbars in the back flying. I immediately jumped into action, running down the stairs to check on them. By the time I stumbled to the last flight of stairs, they were all coming up, begging to be hidden. Fair enough, up to my room. After about an hour of having beers, no one appeared to be looking for them. Campus Safety just towed the truck and went about their night. We were in the clear.
Then someone, a drunk someone decided it would be cute to start a water and shaving cream fight. Not saying it was me, but someone did it. It quickly escalated to about 15 drunken underage students running about the 7th floor dousing each other at 1 in the morning. Well not everybody. I was the only one who seemed to avoid the mess. Pretty soon, the other 14 realized this and turned on me. After a couple of dope moves, proving I would’ve been a prime candidate for the running back spot on the squad, I approached my room. I’m still not certain as to the location of my roommate that night, but he was not there. As I bolted into by room, about six of them closed in on me. I tried my damndest to hold the door, but was failing miserably. There was only one option. I quickly grabbed my roomies can of right guard off the dresser and a lighter he had left behind. The McGuyver in me went straight makeshift and fought off the bloodthirsty mob, chasing them down the hall with my hillbilly blow torch. Unbeknownst to be, campus safety and a couple of RA’s had arrived on the scene to investigate complaints on our behavior. I chased the mob away, returned to my room. I cranked up the stereo (probably some cypress hill or pantera, I was hardcore) and sat down to play some sega and finish my beer. The poundings on my door went on for about 15 minutes, I naturally sensed a trap being laid by friends. Then it was pee time. As I approached the door, I noticed a couple of ID cards and a note had been slid underneath it. Shit this can’t be good.

“We are going to get the keys. Either contact us or you will be arrested.”
Shit. I quickly disposed of any contraband, in the recycle bin of course, and hit the elevator. As the door opened, there they were. A couple of Campos I’d had the displeasure of meeting during a big campus brawl a few weeks before, and they remembered me. I accompanied them to a room downstairs. We remained in there for 20 minutes, eventually I was released and went to bed.
Three days later, I received notice of a hearing with the dorm board the next week, with all the charges listed: Terrorism, Assault with a deadly weapon, Disturbing the peace, yada yada yada. It was quite the list, and laughable. I didn’t sweat it, waited until my hearing. These hearings were held in the dorm commons area, where I sat next to a dude from the fifth floor, awaiting my fate. What I remember from this was the awesomeness of his “crime”. He was a good ole boy, going in front of the board for throwing a severed deer head out of his 5th story window. How awesome is that? Before our friendship could bloom, I was called in. I was in there for 2 minutes before they could say my infractions were too serious for this level, that I was turned over to a student senate hearing the following day. My words to them were, and I quote, “Are you fucking kidding me?” They meant business. Now I was a little freaked.
This one wasn’t so fun. Believe it or not, I had experienced court before this, not a fan of it. But I went in, only after getting my mind right. All I can recall was about a dozen students sitting in a panel like a damn congressional hearing, flanking what may have been the school president. Not sure who he was, he looked important. After spewing back my offenses and what not, they gave me my turn to talk. Seeing how my mind was right, I’m certain all I said was completely incomprehensible. If I recall, by the looks on their faces, it had to have been. After a 1 minute deliberation, they came back with their verdict. The death penalty. I was to remove myself from the campus of NWMSU for a period of two years. They said If I had set foot on said campus, I would be arrested for trespassing. I laughed. Out loud. I truly thought this was a joke, until assured by the President, or whatever the hell he was, that this was not. At this point I smiled, wadded up the little paper with all my charges they gave me and tossed to the man with brass balls, thanking him.
This was of course a fun thing to explain to the mom and dad, which I’m certain they never believed me. Although I did make a few more trips onto that campus, I managed to stay off of it for the most part until my ban was up. Strangely enough, they allowed me to re-enroll there in 2001. I managed to behave myself, for the most part, and to the best of my knowledge, I’m still welcome on the campus.